Saturday, 28 October 2017

Life as a single mum

I started writing this post back in July and I finished it today. It is simething I have struggled to be vocal about until now, but after 3 months I finally picked up the courage to publish it and I want to thank a special lady who gave me words of strength. She is someone who gave me hope for the future because after every dawn comes the sunrise. 

June, 2017

The single mum syndrome

First comes love. Then comes the baby. Before you realise you are in the middle of a crazy ride between your previous life and your new. It is beautiful, yet emotional roller coaster, where two young and inexperienced souls must find their feet and build a stable and happy life for their child and themselves. And while you are thinking that you are trying your best and sometimes not,one day out of the blue you find yourself as a single parent. Of course, this hasn’t happened overnight, and it’s been 8 hellish  months  and one year before that, which led you to the day you have sat down, with blank expression and cold feet to finally admit to yourself: “I am single and alone parent, there is no more us in the picture.” Yes, it’s not an easy realisation, nor a happy one. It’s daunting, stressing and very miserable at first (hopefully not forever). I am writing this and everything is still very raw, but it feels like it’s time to put my messy thoughts into some order, through sharing this experience again on the white paper. It’s difficult to face the reality and it’s even harder to admit this to your relatives, your friends, and everyone close and not that close in your life. It’s inevitable not to feel embarrassed, ashamed and even failed. Yes, it feels like a massive failure and you can’t help but think that from now on your life and you children’s life is destroyed. It feels like a long, gloomy, never ending path full of misery, and regrets, reminiscing your memories and asking yourself what you could have done different. And it’s never just one thing, it’s a series of events, it’s a long and slow process of destruction, which you’ve experienced to finally reach the point where it’s no more. How to explain? How to sum it in one simple sentence? How to pick up the courage and say it time after time to every single person in your life who asks you: “Oh, no , what happened?” Irrevocable differences? Come on, I can’t even spare the energy for that. That’s why I am just not talking. Should I? What should I do? When a friend messages me to check what’s up and how I am, shall I just drop the bomb and say “Oh, by the way, we split, I am a single mum now, oh and I am also expecting a second, but we are still splitting” No, thank you. I don’t want to dicsuss it, I don’t need pitty, I don’t need “Oh, my god what are you going to do and with second on the way? That’s horrible.” I don’t need that. Yes, I am having my second baby and I don’t need you telling me: “Are you sure you are going to make it?” The moment you ask me this you are no more a part of my life. If you can tell me something supportive,positive and build me up even with just a hug and “You are brave, I hope God is with you”, I would greatly appreciate it, if not, just stay away. But for my second pregnancy later...      

Surely, many many many things has led us to the split and I will be making a journey down the memory lane slowly with time, but right now, I am focusing on the consequences of being a single parent. I need to share what I have noticed changed in my behaviour and how it affected me. I hope this partially helps me through this difficult period and maybe one day when I look back things won’t seem and feel that horrible anymore.

So far I have discovered few stages of the so called single mum syndrome (Yes, I am calling it like that because at the moment it feels like a bit of an illness).

Stage 1

Sadly and probably naturally I have been a nervous wreck recently. I don’t remember ever Alex asking me not to shout at him, yet I reach the point where I do shout at him. I am neurotic, impatient and constantly fed up. Why? Because for the last 4 months it’s been mainly me and him, him and me. Almost no third party interference, except for the roughly 2 weeks in total during which he spent some time with his dad and few weekends he spent with my parents. That’s all. Apart from that it’s been constantly mummy this, mummy that from morning till down. I adore him, my heart bursts out of love everytime I see him, I can’t wait to pick him up from nursery, to hug him, to breath in his sweet scent. But parenting isn’t a job for one. I will probably never stop repeating that. Parenting is a tem work, a two people's job, responsibility and everything. And yet, I have been working, taking him in and picking him up from nursery, thinking about food and everything on my own. The cost? I just can’t help my nerves. It’s tiring, sad and overwhelming. We go to the park and I can’t help but look at other parents, being together. It’s heartbreaking. Then I look at Alex and I smile because he is the most precious thing in my life but I also grieve because and so scared of how this life is going to affect him from now on.  

Stage 2

It comes the moment when you start feeling awfully guilty. “I ruined my child's life. He will always blame me for not having both his mum and dad”. Let’s be honest. Shared parenting? Half week here, half week there, who wants that? This gives a reason for the child to grow up confused, spoiled and god know what else. Who want just a dinner with daddy or just with mummy. Who want’s a holiday just with one parent? Whatever you tell me, it’s no ones dream. And then I feel super guilty and I start fixating on little things like do I feed him well, do I spend enough time with him, am I good enough, is he happy, is he miserable?

October, 2017

Stage 3 Dealing with anger

Past few months have been about dealing with on and off moments of feeling angry towards my ex partner. Where is he, what could be more important than family, why can’t we bury our issues, work on them and be there for.our kids? Questions to.which can really give me an answer. Questions which have been driving me crazy and making me angry all on my own. Of course every story has two sides and this feeling is just a shield which is covering my true feelings. Those of loneliness, helplessness, deep sorrow and sadness. Because most of all I have been sad and experiencing a deep loss. As if mourning about a destroyed past, present and future, about a person who is as no longer among the living. That's how it feels. I believe these are all stages and after the anger and the realisation that some things are out of my control, comes the serenity and the stage of acceptance. That things are the way they are and the only thing I could all of my energy and love towards moving forward.

Stage 4 Acceptance

To accept the reality and that the situation is out of my control has been the hardest part. It also means to.let go, to move forward and to embrace the peace instead of keeping the anger alive. It’s been and is still is a constant and everyday work to keep the balance within myself and instead of.pitying my life and reminiscing what it could have been I work on thinking about the future and that the hard days will eventually go. It’s still a long path ahead and especially with baby number 2 due in December, the challenges are still ahead. But for that in another post. 

Thank you for being here!

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