Friday, 28 October 2016

The beginning of a new chapter

Recently, I have been missing blogging. A lot. It has been more than a year, since I wrote my last post. It has been half a year, since I lost my rights over my website hosting. Also, since I left many planned, but never written and published posts. There was a very good reason behind everything, though. It´s not that I got bored or anything like that. It's just because I decided to pursue a new path. To take a risk and try and find my happiness where I thought it has been all along. I took a risk and maybe I lost, or maybe I haven´t and instead learned a lesson.

There is not right or wrong answer. It is all a matter of perspective. And as difficult it might be at the moment to be positive and not consider the time lost, I will try not to live with regrets, but instead see everything from the good side. Still, I must say, the price for this risk was high, bitter and almost destructible.

More than a year ago I followed my heart back to my home country in search of a career path. As a young mum I was proud and happy with the most amazing boy I was gifted with, but as a young and ambitious girl, who has just finished University I felt like the clock is ticking and I have to act quickly and pursue a career path. I had to prove myself and start climbing the career ladder as soon as possible or I was going to feel failed and unfulfilled. How silly. Instead of enjoying my best months and years as a new mum, I was in a rush to go into the wild and conquer the unknown.

I still remember my first days as an intern in a small TV in Bulgaria. My first ever days not spent with Alex in the park. Not waking up with him, feeding him breakfast, taking him out for a stroll. Instead I would wake up, go out early and come back late when he is already in bed. First days were hard. I would even cry. I was missing my baby, but I was also following my dream. He was surrounded by loving family but I was feeling guilty for a while before I finaly got used to it.  I was slowly getting used to my new routine, when I suddenly found an absolutely amazing opportunity in one of the biggest television channels in my home country. 

And then everything changed. I got into a whirwind of a completely new and unknown world, a world that changed and affected me to the core. One day I was in a small and dusty office and the next I was surrounded by some of the most popular faces in the country, faces who speak to us from the tv screen every single day. I spent almost a year in the most amazing but also challenging environment. I met the most amazing personalities, characters, people who I will never forget, who changed and rocked my world to the core.

Every day was a challenge, every day was full of excitement, fear, worry, stress. Every day I was facing my biggest dreams and fears. But in the end it was all worth it, I was seeing my work coming to live.  A feeling like no other, almost addictive. It It was amazing and sad at the same time, because it never felt completely right. I never got to win the fight against myself. Because yes, I was in constant conflict with my inner self. Something was whispering in my year and stopping me from moving forward. Was it the absence of my partner, was it beacsue I was barely seeing Alex, was it because I was feeling lost, empty, missing and not fulfilled. While I was supposed to live the time of my life.

I will tell you what. It is really difficult to walk away from a situation when you know it's not good for you. Most people cant't or at least I couldn't. I will clench my teeth and keep going. Until, I couldn´t anymore. Until, I realised I have almost lost the most precious things in my life.

It is not easy to walk away. It is not easy to look for a new path. It is heartbreaking to realise your world is falling apart. But just then something happens and you see a light in the tunnel. And you see that if you try something different, things mught start happening much easier for you. Maybe beacuse this time everything seems right and falls into place? If you are still there, I promise to tell you all about it.. In my next post… Because I am back. To stay and tell you that we should listen to our heart because the ´right´ feeling exists and we should never give up on looking for it.

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