Monday, 18 May 2015

The Pursuit of Happiness

HAPPINESS. The ultimate word and the ultimate goal. Have you ever been asked if you are happy? Have you ever asked yourself this question? Do you do it often? Are you in the constant pursuit of happiness?

When I was recently asked If I am happy, I found myself numb. The word YES slipped through my lips, but my inner self felt very confused. How could I respond to this question with one word, is it possible. When I thought on this topic later on, I engaged myself in some deeper thoughts.

If I say NO I will lie, but if I say YES, I feel I won’t be telling the truth either. Where is the truth then? Is it somewhere in between, as it often happens when we discuss the philosophy of life. On the contrary of one common belief, I think that HAPPINESS is not a constant.  It is not something you can experience all the time, but it is something that should be sought and maintained at all times, looked after, watered like a plant. Or even if we find it, and neglect it, we risk to lose it very soon.

What do I mean? I have always been a dreamer, often told by people that I live in my fantasy world. Sometimes I would feel a little bit hurt, as if I am doing something wrong, but at other times I knew that I was just searching for something I was desperately in need of.  Since, my early teenagerhood I have been terribly missing something. I wasn’t too sure what it was, but I knew it was something big, like an invisible piece of me. All my thoughts, actions and decisions were always based on this lack of something, of this missing particle. I would often sit and contemplate on life, and on my feelings. It is funny because what experience and knowledge can a 12 year old have for instance? Here, though it is not so much about age and experience, it is about soul search and it doesn’t matter if you are 10 or 50, if your soul is searching, it won’t find peace.

Well, I was definitely looking for something. Looking back in retrospection at my decisions, now I understand why I was so desperate to  study abroad. I was in need of answers. I don’t how many of my answers I have found, still plenty to explore for sure. What I found though is something beyond my biggest dreams. I experienced the feeling of being COMPLETE. I have written about this before, but I will do it again and again, because I am reminded every day, that there is HAPPINESS growing just in front of my eyes.

I will sit down in the late afternoon, my legs aching, my eyes ready to close, feeling completely shattered, but then my little boy will come with his OH SO CHEEKY smile and embrace me for a quick hug, after which he will run away in search of another mischievous thing to do. I will sit and look at this tiny, sweet thing, making his funny movements, and his weird sounds and I will feel COMPLETE, HAPPY. It is true that in exactly 5 minutes we will go through a meltdown of some kind and I will want to scream and shout and just give up, but I know this will pass and another wave of warm unconditional love will take over me.

Being a mother is one of the greatest sources of happiness in my life. Still, since I came back to my home country after a few years of constantly living abroad, I felt something. I felt that I am still in search, different kind of search. I have this amazing happiness in my life, but as soon as I had a breath of the air at home, a sudden gush of emotions and memories  came over me. I realised I made a life somewhere else but left a piece of me back at home and now, when I am here again, I need to find out what this piece needs. I need to finish everything I have once started here. I breathe this air and something tickles in my stomach. There is nothing like home, is there? Wherever we go we can’t escape from this, from where everything has once started.

In an attempt to bring an endless topic to some kind of conclusion, I want to say that so far, my experience has shown me that HAPPINESS should be pursued at all costs, even if this means to make some difficult decisions sometimes, maybe decisions not agreeing with everyone around. What would you prefer, though: To live a life of doubts and feelings of dissatisfaction and misery, or to risk and find what you have been looking for?

For me happiness is not an object or a feeling I can describe with one word , I see it as a mix, a huge mix of things. It could be a smile, it could be a song, it could be a dance, or a kiss, a hug, or even tears. HAPPINESS could be anything. It doesn’t mean to last forever, but as long as it lasts, take it and live and breathe it with every fiber of your body, because this is what we are all looking for, isn’t it?      


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